Will you love me when I'm gone?

am I losing you?...Tuesday, February 4, 2003

I'm waiting...I'm waiting till it's over...it's over now.

here it goes...

ok here we go...saying things that make you feel better about yourself and things that are in reality the truth are two totally different things unless your life happens to pass within the luck of a billioniare.

ok now I've turned myself into the void again...will write when feelings bubble up into existance again :sigh:

Kirioshi's endless ramblings ended 07:11 p.m. BUT SHE WILL RETURN!

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singing the used...Wednesday, January 29, 2003

"i try to hold it all inside,
but just for tonight,
the top of the world,
sitting here wishing...
the things i've become...
something is missing...
maybe i....
but what do i know?"

why is the world beautiful?...

ok...riddle me this ...why is the world so beautiful...and yet I can be so completely un happy...I want to know what kind of person can be completely and utterly unhappy in a world that is full of so much life...well...that would probably be me. something about the way I think is making it so I can't get the right type of prospection on life...I can't seem to make myself realize that things are like this sometimes and I can't help it.

I think actually in reality I've realized that last tidbit of information...what I can't bring myself to believe is that one day...this will have to get better...I get this feeling that I'm going to stay this morbid depressed person for the rest of my life...at least on the inside.

I wish something could comfort me.

:sighs: once again...I just want to be.

Kirioshi's endless ramblings ended 07:44 p.m. BUT SHE WILL RETURN!

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(don't) throw the thought of us away......Wednesday, January 29, 2003

baby light a candle...don't say a prayer for me.

(don't) throw the thought of us away.

yes...I know the lyrics of the day are christmas lyrics...but I've dubbed this song the "melanie valentines day song" so yeah...it's gonna work for febuary, which is coming up ^_^;

hop step jump...lots of fun...andrew says who knows what the future brings...who indeed?

light a candle...

don't say a prayer for me...

Kirioshi's endless ramblings ended 12:01 a.m. BUT SHE WILL RETURN!

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Do you remember a year ago? ::sings::...Wedensday, January 22, 2003

ok so maybe no one but me remember's a year ago--but hey...that is just my weird memory at work..."still remember...what it tastes like...what it felt like.."

but the memory is fading.

yes...well I felt a million times better today after waking up...I was able to eat breakfast with drew and sarah, and got to use my super spiffy coupon things--yes that I was entertaining...and then I went to school. (oh yes and drew spilt MY coffee on the bottom of MY jacket--and on his car...which made it a little better ()) (oh yes and I got his sister's bracelts too--and they glow in the dark!)

Math was interresting, we just did our homework for the next day in class after going over some notes that she printed out for us because her voice was fading.

tara teate stole my seat in french--which was extremely distressing...especially since my class is quite on the other side of the world compared to french and I like having the seat in the very middle to sit in...but oh well. we didn't do much...jazmine wrote a note to christy...mr. jones took it up after she ripped it up througholy...I know what it said--but not because jazmine told me.

then bio...where melissa hite made fun of me...oh the joys of being unpopular--seriously I normally don't take it all that personally...but the girl was making fun of my spelling which is not very poilte to being with seeing as I can not spell anyway...but ::sigh:: whatever--did my project, and my language homework. and all was well.

then lovely language--I think it was actually pretty cool today...talked to ms. gascon about all the different choices for classes next year--and I really do think I wanna take AP...I think I need to talk to someone who had the other teacher though...::sigh:: stupid me not having enough friends that are juniors and are in ap...gr. ::twitches::

then I got home...discovered that brother thinks he is still sick, printed out some notes for ap world and wrote a "real" blogg entry informing my public that I am grounded currently, then it was time to study, have decided I'm addiquetly able to regurjitate chapter 10 perfectly, and am now moving on to chapter eleven (for chem test tomorrow). well...that's about it for my lovely fake blogg entry--au revoir. (oh yes--and hope for snow tomorrow...though no one is actually reading this mess and I am writing to myself ()) (EDIT! THIS HAS BEEN ADDED! YAY!)

Kirioshi's endless ramblings ended 09:14 a.m. BUT SHE WILL RETURN!

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it's been *FOUR* months...Tuesday, January 21, 2003

() amy politely pointed out to me that it has only been four months...I suppose "time flies while you are having O so much fun."

but who's to say that I've been counting?

::sigh:: and that is it--I hate my life. Today was yucky, due to the fact that I was etremely sick and it was an overall sence of un pleasantness--allow me to tell you this I swear. well--I'm hoping to go to breakfast with drew and sarah tomorrow morning which should be much more fun that sitting at home sick...and hopefully I'll feel a little better by thenl, but honestly right now I feel almost as bad as when I had mono--and that was HELL, this was like...mono...well probably exactly five months ago--think about it...

I'm sure you remember what it was exactly happened today...right around this time of night? if not...then you really shouldn't be reading my diary--it's boring rubbish unless you know me.

Kirioshi's endless ramblings ended 09:13 a.m. BUT SHE WILL RETURN!

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ack...Wednesday, January 22, 2003

at father's computer, printing out notes for ap world. no time to talk--grounded no fun what so ever. yuck. new layout later when gotten off being grounded

bai now

Kirioshi's endless ramblings ended 04:24 p.m. BUT SHE WILL RETURN!

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the importance of being earnest....Friday, January 17, 2003

ear·nest1 ( P ) Pronunciation Key (ūrnst) adj. Marked by or showing deep sincerity or seriousness: an earnest gesture of goodwill.

the importance of being earnest...deep sincerity or seriousness...truthfulness. I could write a paper on this subject--and yet instead someone decided to make a movie on it and steal the catch from me...::sigh:: oh well. oh yes--and only lindsey, christy, and amy can call me mel--cuz they are my-mel-friends () it's ok for them to say it.

anyway...everyone should be earnest--it's sort of like obsession...being passionate...these are the words that define melanie methinks...I like the word earnest...but I'm not going to be stupid like the girls in the movie and have a "dream" of loving a guy named earnest...I actually have a bad habit of liking guys with names that start with anything ranging from "D-F" ha...the failing grades () oh dear.

and she wants to hear she's beautiful

Kirioshi's endless ramblings ended 09:17 p.m. BUT SHE WILL RETURN!

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music, smiles, and sushi...Friday, January 17, 2003

while taking my lovely shower today I listened to some really old music of mine...I've got some decent pop stuff on there--the classics...backstreet boys, pink, n'sync...yep. then I have like...some really random japanese songs XD but it was fun...turning the music up really loud and listening while I was taking my shower ::nod::

is it just me or does anyone else practice smiling?...I need to practice smiling cuz of my teeth () they are small () which is a problem.

I got sushi today for the second time this week! yeah! score one for melanie!! hehe...that made me happy...except for my brother being EXTREMELY fucking annoying today...and some small annoying things--(math tests and language quizes being two examples) today was a decent day. oh yeah, and tomorrow I'm gonna go see catch me if you can instead of just married...fielding still has to bug his mom about coming!

well this time I'm not going to watch myself die.

Kirioshi's endless ramblings ended 07:12 p.m. BUT SHE WILL RETURN!

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mel-ANIE...Thursday, January 16, 2003

...lately everyone has been calling me "mel"...mel...is not my name...my parents did not name me "mel" they named me MELANIE...mel is a guy's name...like mel gibson...melanie is a pretty girls name that I happen to have...not MEL ::dies from stress:: ok.

Kirioshi's endless ramblings ended 09:31 p.m. BUT SHE WILL RETURN!

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cuz I hate every beautiful day....Thursday, January 16, 2003

additions. oh yeah...and I threw my computer science book at the wall...lindsey says it's ok as long as I didn't make a hole...I haven't looked.

and also...I ate ten reeses...don't know if that's good for me...oh well. -back to normal entry.

manda says my problem is my music...I think all music is depressing...but whatever the hell...telling me my problem is "music" isn't going to help me any...I need someone to tell me what the hell to do to make it go away.

I need to study for ap stat...but I'm hoping for snow/sleet/no morning classes

bryan has this thing in his profile..."I love my life" ...I think I need one that says "I hate my life" yeah...something like that.

::sigh:: I'm way too depressed to be a real person...something is wrong with me.

who knows...maybe I can magically cure myself or something...drink some magic potion...that'd be nice.

::sigh:: I hope fielding can come see "just married" with me...he's grounded though...gr. oh well--his mom is my hero () she may let him

Kirioshi's endless ramblings ended 08:00 p.m. BUT SHE WILL RETURN!

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::sigh::...Thursday, January 16, 2003

...You almost always pick the best times, to drop the worst lines.
You (almost) made me cry again this time,
Another false alarm, red flashing lights.

I think...the goal of the world is to keep me constantly stressed...constantly like..."why the hell me?" I also think...that I was not ment to be happy. I tried the happy thing--and then I got dumped and left alone...yeah...seems like the whole "happy" thing isn't for me.

I just want to be.

Kirioshi's endless ramblings ended 04:19 p.m. BUT SHE WILL RETURN!

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fill up the space...between my head...Wednesday, January 15, 2003

wheee...I'm listening to the used...though I just told chris that I HATE that song...(Buried Myself Alive) I so lied to him () it's more of a hate-love sorta thing...cuz it's now one of my new favorite songs.

mmm...I also like the taste of ink...

my blogg looks empty cuz I just archived it again...so I'm typing to fill up the void, the space.

to fill up the space between my head I'm listening to the used, but in about five seconds I'm about to go and take a shower then go to sleep...cuz sleep is good. good for poor tired as mess melanie

::sigh:: I hope to hell I don't have any chem homework () that'd suck like mess...well au revoir people

Kirioshi's endless ramblings ended 09:55 p.m. BUT SHE WILL RETURN!

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new layout...Wednesday, January 15, 2003

this is k'chan's mystical "words..." doodle...yeah I'm liking it...so much I even made that nifty bar thing for underneath it all.

today was crappy, tomorrow's probably gonna be crappy...oh well...melanie just leads a crappy life. oh and if you wonder what happened to all of the old entries--I've stuck them into the archived entries thing, number three.

yes...the legolas layout lives on!!! haha...() will probably return to a legolas thing later, once I find another good image and layout style.

::yawns:: I've been yawning since around 7 so I think I'm going to sleep even though it's hella early--give me a break...I've had a hard day. hell--I've had a hard life.

Melanie Out.

Kirioshi's endless ramblings ended 09:30 p.m. BUT SHE WILL RETURN!

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I need sushi, hugs and kisses, and someone to call my own...Wednesday, January 15, 2003

Why the hell can't anything ever go RIGHT in my life?

ever since me and britt had our bad-day back in christmas break things are constantly screwing themselves up for me--I don't even have to try to make them screw up...oh no...it does it FOR me.

first the stupid writen interview was crap, well maybe just the last question...but yeah it was crap.

then the FRONT OFFICE screws up my govn. school admissions form...and probably screwed over my chances for getting in.

all I want is someone to say "I love you Melanie" but no...no one fucking loves the annoying...BUMPTIOUS me...ooo...gascon vocabulary. generally when you say I love you someone is supposed to say it back...hell if everyone did that people would be saying "I love you Melanie" left and right...me and my stupid misconseption of NONEXISTANT love...no one loves anymore...they screw around then leave you for someone else.

if I listen to ONE MORE finch song I swear I'm going to kill myself...this damn song gets stuck in my head..then I get optimistic...and then stuff like TODAY happens and I realize that my life is a mess and things don't ever happen in like in the fairy tales--hell my life doesn't even fit in an fairy tale story setting so yeah...it definately doesn't happen.

andrew made fun of me today. It doesn't matter--he was wearing too much cologne in apcs yesterday...which gave me a gigantic headache.

bumptious is a yucky word...oh yeah...and I lost my julius ceaser book too--isn't that great?

"I want you to know that...I miss you...I miss you so."

why is life so tough? more specifically...why is life so tough for ME? ::sigh::

Kirioshi's endless ramblings ended 09:24 p.m. BUT SHE WILL RETURN!

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